MOTORMOUTH III

'THE LOOK....'


“What you are about to read are not-affiliated to any car dealers and its industries ~ the writer interests ranging from sneakers to watches, collectors’ toys to DJs, classic cars to the fuel-smells from their carburetors.The writer speaks only for his bitter self”

You said I am JUDGEMENTAL? You said I only look at the good stuffs and ignore the bad ones?

You too, my friend, you too…

Let me put it this way for you,

A Babe, with a face like Angelina Jolie, A front-end like Pamela Anderson, A waist as small as a honey bee’s and a back-end like the rear of a Porsche nine-eleven… and We also have another ‘babe’ who looks like Captain Jack Sparrow, A front-end like Cameron Diaz, A waist like a Diesel-Drum and a back-end looks like a Perodua Kenari.

Both with a signage on their neck saying;
“ Please call me for a Good Time ~ Dial 1-800-Goodtime”

You tell me which one you will call?
You have to be very honest…WHICH ONE that makes you pick up that $1000 mobile phone of yours immediately?

You see? You got my drift?

Well, to relate all these to automotives…

What catches your eyes the very first second you saw ‘it’?
The ‘shape’ of it!!……… It all boils down to the shape of ‘it’.
You may say… NO! I always must know what’s under the hood when I buy a vehicle no matter what!
BullShit!!

Will you buy an Evo-devo or Scooby-dooby or whatever you called them if they look like a Bullock-cart?

You saw a new vehicle on the road, you like the lines, the curves and the shape of it. Probably you’ll put on a mental note that you are going to buy it. A bigger and powerful ‘heart’ under the hood will definitely be a bonus. But hey, since you like it so much… you also probably don’t mind if a motorcycle 2-stroke engine powers it. And a no down-payment and super-low monthly installment will make your day too!!!

And with such a deal of no-down and low monthly installment, you won’t mind to ride in a vehicle that looks like a baboon’s arse too, right?

Just take a look ~

Or a dragonfly? (Big head-small arse)

Or maybe a Hearse?

So damn ugly!!!... They are just so-Damn-VERY ugly!!
How can ‘the look’ of the new vehicle nowadays can be transform into such an awkward shape? Why?
What kind of ‘statement’ the manufacturers and designers are trying to make?
The drivers will look ‘better’ if they are driving an ugly car?

I believed if these new vehicles now don’t look like a-pain-in the-arse, they will definitely look more like a ‘chick’ cars rather than a real ride. You agree?
If not, which of these new vehicles on Brunei road are targeted for the real-man? … You tell me.

Real cars should have a better proportion from the front end and the rear end, designed and built with soul, with passion.
Not the mass-produced ‘slurppy-curvy-front-longer-than-arse’ or ‘arse-longer-than-front’ look.

Ok, probably the Chrysler 300c looks like a real machine. Big engine, Big space, Huge front grille, Wide, Long and of course… with a very Gangster-Mafia look.

And don’t even mentioned the beetle with it’s proportion, please.
I can live with the old Classic 1968 spilt-windows VW beetle.

But a man driving the new ‘sissy’ beetle?

I rather cycle my BMX

HEH !

MOTORMOUTH II

" YOU ARE .... ??"

"What you are about to read are not-affiliated to any car dealers and its industries ~ the writer interests ranging from sneakers to watches, collectors’ toys to DJs, classic cars to the fuel-smells from their carburetors. The writer speaks only for his bitter self”

There is an ole’ “pop” quiz that goes something like this;
‘What’s bloody looong when you are young but getting’ shorter and shorter when you are older’

Your parents probably gone thru a hard and hectic time, arguments, scan thru lotsa reference books to find a suitable name for you and probably the name will matches you and your identity.

They have given you the name of Edison-so and so, just in case one day you will invent some stuff for the benefit of mankind.Give you the name of Einstein-what and what so you will probably comes up with some calculations formulae to cure the bird-flu or maybe the name of Yuri or Armstrong-this and that so one of these days you will put your foot down on Mars.

But come to think of it, do you ever appreciate those names they have given you?
How often have you used your name-in-full?

Maybe when you are in kiddy-school where the teacher calls your name in full? Or maybe during you fill in those government forms or maybe those endless applications forms of credit cards and loans? Other than the mentioned, I think throughout your whole life on earth, the times you have actually use the full-name, say ONLY 200 times? Have you ever wonder?

I have a friend whose given name is [original name withheld to cover identity]
Mohammed Abdul Karim Jaabar Abdul Malik Saiful Bakhri Naziruddin Bin something-something.
Maybe his parents have a vision of one day; he will be as famous as the US basketball legend. But instead he tells his entire friends that his name is…………..G-Bob.

What does G-Bob have to do with the beautiful name that has given to him by his parents? I don’t see any similarity and link there. So, what’s his sis name? G-String?

Some vehicles really have funny names and sometimes it matches its ‘looks’ and sometimes it’s totally ‘out’.

Ever wonder what’s with Toyota and its ‘C’s?
We have the Cressida, Corona, Carina, Celica, Caldina, Corolla, Camry and Crown.

Then they probably headed over and started building cars in South-East Asia and what? They came out with some cars with animals' names on them.

From the 'Land-Of-Million-Smiles' comes the 'Fortuner'
Try to press your nose and read the words below with some drag at the end and you will definitely sounds exactly like how they pronounced it there, where it’s produced.
“FORTUNE?-Naaaaaaaaaaa”

Then we have the GreatLand with Great walls, with a vehicle called Sing. We knew that people in the GreatLand like to do a little bit of ‘karaoke’ here and there, spitting all over and endlessly burning tobaccos…... But to named a vehicle Sing? You tell me….

From the GreatLand also came a vehicle named Landmark. We knew very well that the Greatland produced and manufactured a lot of ‘Designer’s-goods’. No doubt they have,
Lolek, Goodchi, Adibas, Geevanchi, L-Vee and NiteKee.

Even the car logo have ‘designer’ similarity too,… hmmmmmm ….

click on both pics to check the logo similiarity

From the land of ‘winter-sonata’ came a vehicle that’s called ‘Shuma’.
I was tempted to buy it because I believed I would immediately transform myself to Michael ‘Schuma’cher of the F1 fame….

But I was sad once I knew I have been mislead by it…. Hai……..

We also have a new vehicle that slot in between Boxster and the 911.
Its faster than the Boxster and slower than the Nine-Eleven on papers and on the tracks.

………… its called the Cayman, does it sounds like Gay-man?
Enuff’ said.

As we now know names are really-really important.

I've just watched a movie a few nights ago. It’s a movie about a bunch of soldiers running up the beach gettin' killed.

It was directed by Steven Spillbag and think its called 'Shaving Private Ryan’s privates'

..... HEH...

MOTORMOUTH

“WANNA BE …. “

“What you are about to read are not-affiliated to any car dealers and its industries ~ the writer interests ranging from sneakers to watches, collectors’ toys to DJs, classic cars to the fuel-smells from their carburetors. The writer speaks only for his bitter self”

I don’t know whether I am an idiot or a social-retard, and probably.., sad to say…. I am. I don’t meant by I am mentally disabled and don’t know what to do with situations but there are something that I just couldn’t figured out sometimes.

I was introduced to a friend of a friend (who just finished her studies abroad) some time back saying that she is so and so and I am who and who and then came the most terrifying part of all introductions…. The ‘acknowledgement’.

Honestly, I am happy with a firm handshake and a ‘nod’ is good enough for me.
But all these didn’t happened, she leant forward and I thought she didn’t hear my name properly and I lifted my hand ready for a handshake and repeated my name again.
The fact is, she actually wanted to hug me and do the ‘cheek-cheek-kiss-kiss’ thing.

I am so retarded.., how do you do this actually...? Light kisses on her left-right cheek or just my cheek against her left-right cheek while kissing the air?

Well, on another occasion, I met a friend who is also just happened to be back from abroad. I am not sure he went for a long holidays or a few days trip or whatsoever...
The minute we met…, he lifts his hand and showed me a fucking fist!!!

Did I owe him any money? Or have I offended him in any way, I was thinking hard…

OH! Actually not…. He wants me to connect my fist to his fist…, I seeee….!!!
What after that… Do I have to continue our ‘connection’ with some fingers-dancing thing?
And then the shoulder-shoulder thing?

I will definitely have to remember these...…
With female; I do the cheek-cheek-kiss-kiss thing,
And with male; I have to do the fist-connection and the fingers-dancing thing.

OH, For FUCK sake!! Where is the Traditional-Confident-FIRM handshake?? !!

Well, that brings me to the wanna be….

We will start with Jaguar MK2 and the Mitsuoka Viewt
Just look at the pictures below:

JAGUAR MK2

MITSUOKA VIEWT

The Viewt is so ugly and no matter how hard they tried, it don’t even comes near to the look of the MK2. Not even worth mentioning. Can’t even beat the curves and lines of the beautiful Jaguar.

I don’t even bother to pop the hood of the Viewt and look whats underneath even tho we know it’s probably powered by the Nissan Micra 1000/1300 liters engine.
No wonder we don’t have that many on Brunei roads….

Then came the TD2000 and the MG TD....

1951 MG TD

TD2000

No doubt for this vehicle, the similarity are very near but once you pop the hood the TD2000 is using a 3S-FE engine basically found in the 1986 – 1990 Toyota Celica.

It’s all up to you my friend…, you want the real deal or the wanna-be clone.

Just look at Mr Westwood or Westbound or-whatever….

Tall white man with his baggy pants and big shirt.
Moving and pointing his hand and fingers all over when he is talking and always ends up with….….

“……… we gonna pimp your ride ………………….UK styleeeeeee...”

No matter how hard he tried…. He’s not gonna be X-zibit !!! HEH.

Carburetor Dung IV

~ What are ‘THESE’ for ~

“What you are about to read are not-affiliated to any car dealers and its industries ~ the writer interests ranging from sneakers to watches, collectors’ toys to DJs, classic cars to the fuel-smells from their carburetors. The writer speaks only for his bitter self”

Boys & girls, have you ever wondered that the car-designers and manufacturers are wasting their brain-juices, time and energy to design vehicles and its devices? All of the vehicle’s functions have their own purposes [But I still don’t agree of ECU’s and air-flow-meters on board].. Anyway, today I am not going to touch that issue ……………………….yet.

As mentioned, all these functions have their own purposes. But when these vehicles reached Brunei shore, the whole damn thing serves A different purpose!

• The Indicator/Signals –

This has no usage for its driver who is driving on Brunei road. They don’t put on the indicators at all when they are making a turn to the left or the right. When they felt like turning or making an entry to a junction. They just slammed the brakes and turn immediately. So, this indicator serves no purpose. For the record, one item delete from the car here.
[By the way, if there is a day when someone bring down a hammer and bashed up all your car indicators, please don’t blame him. You don’t need them anyway...]

• The Door Windows –

These also need to be taken off from the vehicle in Brunei. [Item Two]. They don’t need these; they fix on HUGE window visors that can eventually cover the driver’s head!
And without windows, it’s more convenient for them to put out their whole Fuckin’ arm and look cool while flickin’ their cigarettes ashes away!! And not forgetting the convenience for some parents who let their children to stick-out their heads from the vehicle and be superheroes on the road.

• The Horn

This is a very straight-forward explanation and has only a few main functions.

- ‘Honk’ to greet/say hello to your friends whom you meet on Brunei road.

- ‘Honk’ to order Thien-Thien chicken rice.

Parked at front, ‘HONK’ and show 2 fingers. Yeap.., that’s 2 packet of Thien Thien chix rice.

• The Front Car Seats

These units are for the driver to make adjustment to far-far-far backwards and lean far-far-far back till only their finger tip is touching the steering-wheel!!
These seats [item Three] also need to be deleted from the vehicle.
Put a bed in instead!!

• The Rear Seats

Same-same here [item Four]. All these will be removed to install Ply-wood, Fiberglass, Coil, Cables, Steel and Magnets. What are those you asked? I am not so sure myself. I guessed when you hook up all of these items; it will create BIG-Fuck-LOUD sound for the hearing-impaired driver. Probably this method is cheaper than to buy a hearing-aid device.

• The Vehicle’s Body

This main structure of the vehicle also can be deleted from the vehicle [Item Five].

Don’t need them anyway, these self-taught-engineers like to change and re-design themselves. From proton changed to Mitsu, from Hyundai to Honda, from Daewoo to Toyota, from Nissan SX to Ferrari and Tata to Hummer. So why need a vehicle body?

• The Wheels

This 4 round shapes thingy at every corner of the vehicle can also be taken out [Item Six].
Oh… probably they need them to move from the factories to the port. And when reach Brunei shores, need them to ‘climb’ up the trailer and then to the dealer’s showroom.
Once the vehicle has been purchased, these 4 round shapes thingy are no good anymore. Its gonna go to bin in favour of the new BIG-CHROME-24incher with super-super low profile tires.

“Hey, look at my atos with the new 24incher”

Ya ya…… Danny DeVito wearing Shaq O’Neal shoes.

In the coming future, new vehicle that landed here will only have the chassis, engine, gearbox, axle and all its running gear. That’s all.

~DON’T NEED OTHERS anyway !!~

Carburetor Dung III

~ Buy Now and You’ll ‘PAY’ Later ~

Let me take you for a simple tour of the vehicle market

“What you are about to read are not-affiliated to any car dealers and its industries ~ the writer interests ranging from sneakers to watches, collectors’ toys to DJs, classic cars to the fuel-smells from their carburetors. The writer speaks only for his bitter self”

There are so many new vehicles in the market now. So many choices, so many models, so many versions, so many specs, just so-so-so many. If those manufacturers are given the permissions (probably they do have) to do so, there is a new model ‘popping’ out from these manufacturers at an interval of 3 to 6 months!

Here you decided to buy a new vehicle, surveyed around looking at different brands and models, compare-compare pricing and trying to get a loan for the vehicle of your choice, probably loan approval takes a month or two. Once approved, went to the showroom to drive the-newly-purchased-monthly-payment-for-the-next-seven-years-loan vehicle home.

The next minute you drove out from the showroom, there is a ‘newer-version-same-brand’ vehicle to be launched next week. And the best thing is, the same salesperson trying to sell you another one! So-called the newer version!

“Hey…! I haven’t even paid my first installment yet!!”

Sorry Dude, your vehicle is considered the ole’ model now!!

Carburetor Dung II

“OLD” car ownership ~ PART II

Say it again?..

~Why go thru all the hassle of owning “old” vehicle while there are loads and loads of new vehicle out there in the market and tons of choices? ~

The ‘Smell’, the ‘Feeling’ and the ‘Essence’ of driving one!

And don’t forget the “simplicity” of them.
No ‘ECU-controller’ and what whatever-electronic-devices

Just to move the seat forward & backward ~ you need some electronic devices to help you?? Come on…..

I imagine just one scenario:
‘Daddy owns a “bullet-proof-and-also-missile-cannot-shoot-in” BMW, and that’s his daily driven vehicle,..

One day, mummy’s car breakdown [cant switch on the headlamps because of the faulty ECU unitsssss…]

Mummy wanna drive daddy’s Bimmer and try to adjust the seat forward so she can have better control of the bullet-proof Bimmer…….

Taaa-Daaa!!!... The seat won’t move at a flick of the switch… heh.

Three Choices ~
One - Either daddy send mummy ( but how ‘bout next, next days as mummy’s car in w/shop?) or
Two – Mummy wear an extended wood attached to the high heels or
Three – Also send the Bimmer to workshop to repair the switch.

Daddy decided to send the Bimmer to the W/shop to repair, for convenient sake ~

Well, here’s what the mechanic reply ~

“Sorry sir, I think you have a faulty ECU and the device is not reading the signal from the switch. So, the ECU cannot send the signal back to the seats, sir”

“You have to replace the ECU and that’ll be $4500 just to move your wife forward & backward” HEH!

Carburetor Dung

“OLD” car ownership,

I heard you said “old”? Well, there are lots of ways to call them.

Those without any taste will call them old-car, a-very-old-car or some even worst, a-piece-of-junk. Can’t blame them, they are tasteless. They have forgotten without these ‘old’ cars, they wont be driving the new model of ‘Tin-Boxes’ that they are driving now.

On the other hand, those with taste will appreciate these vehicles. And these people will call them, Classic-cars, Retro-cars and the best of all Cool Cars. Why?.... because you seldom see them on the road zooming around or doing supermarket shopping like the Porsche 911,the Merc M-class or whatever-class or the Bimmer-whatever-series.

Park an old 1975 BMW 2002 (ask some Bimmer owners, I bet you a lot of them don’t know what and which model are these) beside a new 7series at a traffic light. Then ask the people inside the two vehicle behind them which vehicle are they looking at? The small miserable oil-spitting-1975 BMW 2002 or the New and super fully-equipped-computerised-missle-launcher 7 series?

Those who said that they are looking at the 1975 Bimmer 2002, I salute you. You got taste!! And for those who said naaa… I am looking at the new missile-launcher 7series.., don’t lie!! Look at yourself in your car cabin rear view mirror and ask yourself which Bimmer are you actually looking at or trying to steal a glimpse of?

Well, that’s a 30-years-gap between these two cars, my friend. In these 30 years, you can even walk to Katmandhu and back!

~ Why go thru all the hassle of owning an “old” vehicle while there are loads and loads of new vehicle out there in the market and tons of choices? (..to be continue.)